How to Describe the People in Your Life; or, Exercises in Pretentious Zoomorphism
How prepared are you to be mean? Very? Somewhat? Hardly?
For those of you looking to up your game, I’ve provided a glossary of zoomorphic adjectives with which to slur your enemies, along with examples of usage.
- ant: formicine: ex. “Overwhelmed by the formicine crowds at the officeplex, we sought refuge in the nearest bar.”
- armadillo: tolypeutine: ex. “You couldn’t be brutal enough with that tolypeutine ego. No slight or slur was registered or remembered.”
- bat: pteropine: ex. “The Joker watched in worried fascination as the pteropine form spiraled down the shaft of light.”
- crab: cancrine: ex. “Rick Perry’s cancrine mind finally crawled to a halt as his magic triplet disappeared down the sinkhole of his gunshot-stunted brain.”
- crow: corvine: ex. “Alas, it was time for me to eat my corvine feast.”
- cuckoo: cuculine: ex. “The cuculine ideas bandied about in that debate made that creature’s passion for Cocoa Puffs look staid and mature.”
- dodo: didine: ex. “The didine philosophy competed with the bad prose, and all to create a humorless lonely architect.”
- duck: anatine: ex. “The coach strode with anatine grace onto the court.”
- flea: pulicine: ex. “The bankers’ pulicine endeavors had resulted in debacle.”
- lemur: lemurine: ex. “One lemurine step followed another, until the boy finally reached the school’s front gate.”
- lizard: lacertilian: ex. “After its extended lacertilian deliberations, the majority rejected all efforts at compromise.”
- parrot: psittacine: ex. “The psittacine networks spread the rumors with vicious speed.”
- rattlesnake: crotaline: ex. “With crotaline verve, the candidate offered his pseudo-theological retort.”
- seal: phocine: ex. “The audience erupted into phocine cheers.”
- toad: batrachian: ex. “Newt’s batrachian charisma cannot be denied.”
- wolverine: musteline: “The poor Buckeyes could do nothing in the face of yet another musteline onslaught.”
Further suggestions?
P.S.: The most important of these adjectives is obviously “hircine.” Of, pertaining to, or resembling a goat. Ex. “The man created a new alternative energy source that reduced conflict in the world, and saved the planet. He also wrote a symphony for the ages. As hircine a fellow as you’ll ever find.”
